I took an accidental month long break from writing blogs because of several reasons. Reason number one was that I spent some time in Paris with my lovely friend Amy, which I will blog about soon. Reason number two is that I’ve been quite busy at work and in my social life that I just haven’t had the time.
And reason number three is that I was told last week that the charity I work for cannot afford to keep me past June, and that basically I need to find a new job by that point, which probably won’t be in my home town, where I live currently. I guess you could say I’ve been panicking, and writing a blog has been the least of my worries.
It’s not really fixed, as I haven’t found a replacement job yet, but I’ve come to terms with it, and the way I’ve found helps me deal with it is by continuing doing all the things I usually do when I’m not working, which includes this blog. I enjoy creating little snippets of my life, whether it’s about what I’m reading or where I’ve been. I think it should also be about how I’m feeling too.
I’ve called this post ‘Deal With It’ because that’s exactly what I intend to do. As a child I never recognized in myself what I would definitely now call anxiety. Afraid to put my hand up in class, afraid to answer the register, worried constantly about what my class mates and my teacher thought of me. It is only as several of my friends have been diagnosed, and told me how they felt, and through research of my own, that I see I had that, a lot, and that it effects me still now. The only difference is that now, I know what makes me anxious, and I deal with it as it comes.
Public transport going wrong, or getting lost, or making a mistake in my car makes me anxious. Being excluded from events makes me anxious. Being included in events where I don’t know anyone makes me anxious. Not having a hair brush on me at all times makes me anxious.Hot crowds of strangers, arriving at places late or alone, asking for something to be changed or improved at restaurants or returning something at shops, all these things make me feel sick and panicked and make my hands shake, my chest and face go red, and my speech go. Because of this, public speaking is nearly impossible to me. Which is rubbish, because I really, really wish I could be better at it.
But I know all this now, I recognize when it’s happening, and most of the time I can even calm myself before it does happen, and deal with it like a normal human being. All of these things I feel anxiety about, and quash it before anybody else notices. And then I fix it, and move on.
I think that this has meant that the things I should be panicked about, I don’t worry about half so much. Which is good and bad in equal measures. But I’d rather not be panicked enough then panic too much. Feeling anxious to me is the worst feeling in the world. I know it is to a lot of people, too. For me, I always feel ridiculous when I do stupid things like cry over missing my train, or begging my friends to bring a hair brush to things just in case I accidentally lose mine. Everyone feels anxious for different reasons. But it’s hard to realise that when you become so wrapped up in your own anxieties.
Anyway, I’ve learned to deal with it, and I’m dealing with not having a job lined up at the moment, even though it is stressful and sad and quite frankly, annoying. Everybody struggles at some point in my life.
It’s just taking all of my sensibility to hold me back and not just run off and live in Australia.