Health and Fitness · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Deal With It

I took an accidental month long break from writing blogs because of several reasons. Reason number one was that I spent some time in Paris with my lovely friend Amy, which I will blog about soon. Reason number two is that I’ve been quite busy at work and in my social life that I just haven’t had the time.

And reason number three is that I was told last week that the charity I work for cannot afford to keep me past June, and that basically I need to find a new job by that point, which probably won’t be in my home town, where I live currently. I guess you could say I’ve been panicking, and writing a blog has been the least of my worries.

It’s not really fixed, as I haven’t found a replacement job yet, but I’ve come to terms with it, and the way I’ve found helps me deal with it is by continuing doing all the things I usually do when I’m not working, which includes this blog. I enjoy creating little snippets of my life, whether it’s about what I’m reading or where I’ve been. I think it should also be about how I’m feeling too.

I’ve called this post ‘Deal With It’ because that’s exactly what I intend to do. As a child I never recognized in myself what I would definitely now call anxiety. Afraid to put my hand up in class, afraid to answer the register, worried constantly about what my class mates and my teacher thought of me. It is only as several of my friends have been diagnosed, and told me how they felt, and through research of my own, that I see I had that, a lot, and that it effects me still now. The only difference is that now, I know what makes me anxious, and I deal with it as it comes.

Public transport going wrong, or getting lost, or making a mistake in my car makes me anxious. Being excluded from events makes me anxious. Being included in events where I don’t know anyone makes me anxious. Not having a hair brush on me at all times makes me anxious.Hot crowds of strangers, arriving at places late or alone, asking for something to be changed or improved at restaurants or returning something at shops, all these things make me feel sick and panicked and make my hands shake, my chest and face go red, and my speech go. Because of this, public speaking is nearly impossible to me. Which is rubbish, because I really, really wish I could be better at it.

But I know all this now, I recognize when it’s happening, and most of the time I can even calm myself before it does happen, and deal with it like a normal human being. All of these things I feel anxiety about, and quash it before anybody else notices. And then I fix it, and move on.

I think that this has meant that the things I should be panicked about, I don’t worry about half so much. Which is good and bad in equal measures. But I’d rather not be panicked enough then panic too much. Feeling anxious to me is the worst feeling in the world. I know it is to a lot of people, too. For me, I always feel ridiculous when I do stupid things like cry over missing my train, or begging my friends to bring a hair brush to things just in case I accidentally lose mine. Everyone feels anxious for different reasons. But it’s hard to realise that when you become so wrapped up in your own anxieties.

Anyway, I’ve learned to deal with it, and I’m dealing with not having a job lined up at the moment, even though it is stressful and sad and quite frankly, annoying. Everybody struggles at some point in my life.

It’s just taking all of my sensibility to hold me back and not just run off and live in Australia.

Au revoir.
xxx

Health and Fitness · Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Doing Dry January

If you know me well, you’ll be well aware of the fact that I am very much pro-drinking. My parents introduced me to alcohol (safely, of course) at quite a young age, allowing me to try wine, have a drink with my meal, and letting me go to parties without the worry of me potentially calling them up from hospital after having my stomach pumped. As a result, I have always known my limits with alcohol, and have never been sick from it.

I have never had a bad experience with any particular type of alcohol, although as I have got older I have learned what I like best, what gets me drunk quickest, and what is not a good idea for me to mix.

The past year and a half has taught me a lot about what I shouldn’t mix. As a teenager and young adult, I never experienced a black out or any serious effect to my memory, simply heightened emotions. However, the last year of university and the first nearly two years in the ‘adult’ world, I have had quite a few drunken experiences that have left me struggling to remember how I made it home, and, more recently, what I might have said to people in my inebriated state.

And I really, really hate that. Even if it was a great night and no mistakes were made, how am I supposed to enjoy the memories of it if I don’t have any?

So  I decided to do Dry January, not as a fundraiser, not necessarily for my health, but just to give myself a well needed break from the stuff. And, to my horror, it was surprisingly easy.

As in, I didn’t feel the need to drink. I didn’t want to drink. And the only time I was tempted in the slightest was when we went to the cutest pub in the world and everyone was trying different craft beers with interesting flavors. I don’t even like beer. I just wanted to see if they tasted different to me. But I didn’t crack.

The thing was, that I had been having such heavy drinking nights throughout December because of Christmas, that I was beginning to feel sick of it anyway. I felt acidic and full of cold and just generally tired and dehydrated. Starting the year off alcohol free was one of my better shouts for my health, because it meant that I caught up on sleep, ate slightly better, and was able to do exercise without feeling like I was dying.

It also meant that I had a pleasant January that I could actually remember clearly and know when I had embarrassed myself. Which, because I was sober, wasn’t that often.

I made it through January with ease, and feeling positively about the sober life.

The only draw back was that I celebrated the beginning of February by drinking 5 drinks and ended up, yep you guessed it, black out drunk. I woke to my room completely trashed, mysterious bruises, and a split lip, just from getting home. I assume I fell over.

But this is still a good thing, and a learning curve. Now I know that my tolerance has gone down, it means I need to consciously drink less when I am drinking. This is cheaper. This is control. It also means I’m going to buy things I actually like the taste of rather than stuff that’s going to get me drunk, because I don’t really particularly want to be drunk. From now on (with the exception of maybe my birthday and New Years Eve), I am going to be drinking because I want to drink something nice and be sociable with my friends, rather than just to become confident in social situations, or to fit in.

This might have come across as preachy and I apologize, because I am the last person to judge anyone for drinking or being drunk. I actively encourage it in my friends and loved ones, because reaching that sweet spot of drunkenness is the best time ever. But for myself, I have only reached it maybe twice in the last two years, and I hate to feel out of control. I think drunk me is a terrible, embarrassing and annoying person, even if others agree.

This does not mean I’m going to stop drinking completely. I’ve just made the decision to not drink during the week, and to limit myself to drinks I actually like.

Hopefully, this will be easily maintained!

Au revoir.
xxx